Saturday, July 7, 2012
I have a problem
I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it or even if I should. Ever since my dad passed, I notice I get anxious in public settings where there are people I know. I dodge any semblance of an intimate conversation. I am afraid that anything deeper than Hi, how are you will set me into a tailspin. Just hearing someone give condolences instantly brings tears and they see that I'm not strong.
I don't know what to say. I don't want to make people listen to stories they may not care to hear. I don't want to start a conversation only to find that we're trailing into a topic that will leave me emotional in public. There are only a few topics that I don't quickly tie to my dad. So much of who I am is a result of him. So that means my list of conversation topics are limited.
I can't tell you when the last time I had real conversation with a close friend was. I use E as a exit strategy. It's not that I don't want to talk, I just don't know what to say or that every conversation leads to tears. I don't want to tell you more than you want to hear. I don't want to bore you.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I love blogging. You can chose what you want to read and what you don't. For me, knowing you have that decision making power takes a little pressure off. I'll tell you exactly what I'm thinking. It's your decision if you listen.
Family and friends, I'm sorry that I seem a little shifty. I'll figure it out...I promise. Just might take me a little more time.
Have you ever lost someone and had these types of reactions? Any advice?