I'll apologize for this post in advance. I'm pretty sure it's going to be all over the place but I'm having trouble getting it written down in just the right way. (Oh and I'll return to the regularly scheduled Hood to Coast Updates tomorrow).
BUT..I found myself telling someone today about this past weekend (which now seems like a big blur) and heard myself saying "I did things that were totally unlike me" and for whatever reason, the comment lingered well past the conversation I was having when I said it. I couldn't figure out why for the longest time than it hit me this evening...
Maybe the person I was this weekend, IS the person I truly am. The person who loves adventure, doesn't mind taking chances, loves talking to and meeting new people and just enjoys having new experiences. This weekend I did some "wild and crazy things". I colored my nails bright pink, I put random tattoos all over the place and walked around in a sparkle skirt.
Is that me normally? Nope. Was I uncomfortable doing it? Nope.
Sometimes I think we get so busy just trying to get by that we forget to be true to ourselves. Does that make sense? We pack up all the characteristics that make us unique and only use the ones we need to. We live life on the surface. I can't tell you the last really deep conversation I had was. The closest thing was this weekend with the girls but even then we were rushed by the events of the weekend.
Part of me is scared to be me, to put it all out there because part of it's painful. There are still some things that are so fresh that opening up too much would probably mean breaking down.
There are parts of me that I don't share, at least with the people I interact with daily, because it doesn't fit the mold or the environment we're in. It's a slippery slope that's left me feeling a little lost.
I knew this weekend would be an adventure, I knew I was going to take chances but I didn't know it was going to be such an eye opener.
I'm going to work on it. I'm going to think long and hard about what it is that I'm doing and if I'm sacrificing too much to do it. Am I in the right environment? If the answer to those questions lead me to continue to question who I am, then I feel like I might need to figure out how to change it.
I need passion in my life again. I need to feel like everyday, I WANT to put 150% into everything I do and all the while being true to myself.
Ok, so I know this is super deep and I hope I didn't weigh you down too much.
Do you know who you are? Do you ever think these types of things? Do you have that friend you can go to and have that deep, meaningful conversation? Maybe it's a matter of just having the time but I'm curious.
I can totally relate to this post - in fact I'm sure at some point my blog will have a post very similar to this. I spent years of my life acting a certain way and doing things and making decisions that deep down inside weren't me. I was living the life that I thought others expected of me. A few year back, it started dawning on me, and that's when I started doing the things that I never would have thought I'd do in a million years - the things that "were unlike me." Completely changed my life, and now those things that I didn't think were me are the things I get the most joy from!!!
ReplyDeleteI think this is the best post you've ever written (that I've read). So much to say here Katie. I wish we could sit down and have this conversation because I know my quick comment here won't do this justice. I came home feeling such a mixed bag of feelings after HTC. I want a do-over. I want to be able to go back and not be so socially overwhelmed. For me, this weekend I found myself having a hard time really being the Amanda that I am at home...I felt less free to be me...I had a hard time with how we had a chance to know so many people on the surface but not enough time (IMO) to get to know a few people deeply...having different groups for roommates, amazing race, van mates, and then roomates at the beach, I felt such a disconnect and ended up feeling similar feelings to that high school Amanda that felt like she really didn't belong with any group on a deep level. I think the closest relationships I formed were with you guys in my van but even then, I felt such a block to my personality compared to how I normally am. Hard to explain really. I came home craving DEEP connections though...I came home craving the kinds of friendships where we go beyond surface and I really questioned what really matters anyway. What really matters to me isn't that I can keep up on twitter with a million different people and be well liked/known by all of them and have made the very best first impressions (I'm never good at that)..but what really matters to me is that I can share my life deeply with people that truly love me. And that I can live vulnerably and share my heart and spirit with others freely. And that I'm using my gifts to do what I love in life...what makes me MOST Happy. There's a way to do this...I'm convinced. Even when it means changing jobs or moving on to something else to make it happen. So this weekend was kind of life changing for me too but in a way that I haven't quite put my finger on yet... Don't even apologize for this post...these are the kinds of post that are so worth reading. REAL...The REAL DEAL. So much more interesting for me to read than a race recap or about what someone ate. And you touched on a lot of what I've been thinking about (even if in a different way) the past few days. Thank you for this Katie!
ReplyDelete100%.
DeleteThanks Amanda. I think spending time with you and Marjorie made me think about this. You two were just so comfortable in your own skin and it showed. I was jealous that you had reached that point. It's going to take some time to figure out who I am but I owe a lot of the awakening to you.
DeleteThe "me" that each of is changes slightly over time. So it makes sense to discover "new" things about ourselves. Aren't people and ourselves interesting?
ReplyDeleteI've had similar situations pop up like this in the past few months. I'm still trying to figure out the "who am I" thing. Maybe I'll never figure it out but being put into different situations can help shed a little light on maybe we need to mix it up a bit.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
ahhh the sentence I NEED PASSION IN MY LIFE AGAIN
ReplyDeleteI so so so get that
and I think we are all always searching.
finding something you're passionate about is so rewarding! chase those feelings you had this weekend! They're worth it! and so are you!
ReplyDeleteHear hear! Love this. So often we get caught up in who we're supposed to be that we can be who we really are. Here's to releasing our inner selves. =)
ReplyDeleteI too think that this is one of your best posts. I can relate on so many levels especially the want and need to have passion in my life again. I know that I act a certain way at home and around my family and friends - the way that I'm supposed to and expected to act - and that I do what I do for a living because that's what I'm supposed to do with the degrees that I have. But is it really what I'm passionate about? This has been cropping up a bit for me lately and do feel like I'm so busy with the day to day and just getting by that I don't allow or get to go deeper. I love that you had this experience over the weekend and that you felt so comfortable being outside of your comfort zone. I think that it's a constant search and we take from these experiences to inch a little closer.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I feel like it's an evolution, we are always rediscovering and defining ourselves as we grow. Or, at least I feel I do ;).
ReplyDeleteI love this! I think we all have so many different layers and we have to let them come out from time to time. Like I think of myself as a mother - dependable, organized, well-planned mother. But I also know that I love to explore and do things, too (like you talked about), so it's good to embrace that side too - even if it can't come as regularly.
ReplyDeleteI am 37. It took my best friend here in North Carolina and me going back to school to pursue my dreams to truly remember who I am and not be afraid anymore. 2 years ago I literally walked away from everything. I live in a neighborhood with some pretty mean ladies who stick to their groups. I am an outsider. I have never been one to stick to a group or try to fit a mold just to fit in, but I found myself doing that at one point. I was scared and lonely. That is when I backed away. I think to truly find yourself you need to be by yourself for a little while. So I did that. I focused on raising my kids and setting an example, hanging out with my husband, getting good grades at school, my job, and running. I let the whole friendship thing go for awhile. I had to. I knew that if I did not then people would not be getting 100% of me because I did not love myself 100%. The best thing I ever did was step away. Now I am VERY happy in my own skin. I am not afraid to sport my Wonder Woman tee, bright pink CEP socks, fake mustache tattoo on my finger, and go for a run. I could care less what a neighbor thinks because I am happy with myself. I am silly, fun-loving, laid back, and a go with the flow girl. I do not think every moment of life has to be a serious one. Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself and just have fun. Let people think what they want about you because you know inside who you are and are proud of that person. The people that matter to me are the ones that support me and love me just for the goober I am.:)
ReplyDeleteI actually loved keeping up with all you Nuun girls on your recent adventures. I am one of the bloggers that applied, but did not make it this year. I wrote about that in my blog post yesterday. I was sad not to be there, but the thing I love about running is I have met the most amazing women through the running and blog world. I actually thank many of them for inspiring me when I broke away from everything to go in and remember who I was, how I was raised, and that I love me. So even though I was sad not to be there I was more excited to cheer you all on. You sound like you enjoy being outgoing and laughing. I say do not worry about what that person said. Maybe the way you acted was "You". You were on an adventure and in those moments we are meant to LIVE!! You were happy to be there and you had fun. That is what counts. You lived in that moment. I always believe you have to live in the moment where your feet are standing. You have to embrace it. Life is too short to do otherwise. I, for one, am proud that you wore that sparkle skirt with pride.:)
I think we all feel that way from time to time. This feeling gets amplified when we put ourselves in those unique out-of-the-box situations.
ReplyDeleteI have been asking myself the same questions. I have built an identity around being a mother and a runner, but is there more to me? Am I running because I love it or am I running because that is what I am supposed to do now? I think you can see from your comments that you are not alone.
I LOVE this post. I have lost myself many times in my life and found myself all over again each time. It always surprises me to learn something new about myself, especially as I am about to turn 40(!). But I am constantly learning who I am. And, almost as importantly, who I am NOT.
ReplyDeleteI have realized lately that I am in need of some very close girlfriends that I can just share everything with. Or maybe, like you said, it is just a matter of having the time. Because if I really think about it, I have a handful of friends that I can really BE MYSELF with. Just ME. As I AM. But the reality of life (and the fact that all of us have kids) and physical distance means we just don't get the chance very often. So it ends up that most of my days are lived on the surface, just as you said.
Thank you for putting all of these feelings into words. I needed to hear all of this. I think part of the reason I recently started blogging is just so I could connect with others. And I'm hopeful that through blogging, I really will CONNECT with 1-2 others and be able to share deep, meaningful conversations offline.
So cliché for me to say this but… great post!
ReplyDeleteWe need to exchange phone numbers. Why didn't we do that? Email or FB message me, please!
Very open and honest post. Nicely done.
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