I've read lots of blogs written by moms who are about to expand their family and there's always at least one post about fear.
And I'll be the first to admit I had a lot of fear when I was pregnant with E and I was very open and honest about it. It wasn't easy.
With this pregnancy I've been pretty nonchalant about what's about to happen, not just to you but to myself as well. I think part of my knew that just by taking sometime to reflect on it, I'd talk myself right into being fearful again but in a different way.
While pregnant with E, there was a fear of not being able to return to my former self...I realized real quick that I wanted it so bad, it happened.
This time around there is a similar fear, I can't lie. The thing that makes it most "real" to me is that I no longer just have one little person to take care of but two. Two little people that are going to demand more of me than I even know exists. Part of me is so scared that I'll give everything to them, that when it comes time for me, there won't be anything left.
That's the selfish fear.
The parenting fear is one that I guess we ALL seem to go through and I'm no exception, how do you learn to love the second as much as the first? I know, I know..you just do but until I feel it for myself, I just don't get it.
Then there's the fear that you won't be able to spread the love around such that both kids feel equal. Again, I guess it just happens but at the moment, the logical part of my brain just doesn't understand how that happens.
I've had a lot of people say to me..."I don't know how you do it all" and I take it as a compliment because everything I do in my life, I'm doing for a reason but the fact is it's all about to change. My "ALL" is about to become a whole lot "MORE" and I just want it all to work.
So I guess the point of all this rambling was to, in part, give me a chance to vent, lay it all out in my head and make myself work through it..so thank you for listening.
But I guess the other point is lean on you a little too. I know many of you are parents and you're awesome at it. So my question is..
How do you do it? What makes it work for you?
It's never easy, but somehow it just happens. Your mix of love, fairness, and even your fear (you fear because you want to do it right), will make you do what is best for your children. Believe me, as a mother of two (who have somehow made it to 31 & 35!), you'll do just fine.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Debbie -it's hard at times but it happens. I felt the same way about losing myself and I think I did a little the first year or so. I was so wrapped up in the kiddos that I forgot about what I enjoyed. But then I realized that l need to be happy with my own self to keep everyone happy. You'll do great!
ReplyDeleteI had the same fears when I went from one to two, but yep, it just happens. It's pretty amazing how much you can love someone. I'm not going to say that there aren't moments where I think I'm going to lose my mind or that it didn't change my relationship with my oldest (it did), but it's definitely worth it! I can't say for sure I'm making it work - but I do know that there is nothing better than watching your kids play together, do nice things for each other without asking, and say "I love you" to each other and know they mean it. Those moments are fleeting, but when they happen I think, "Well, we have to be doing something right." You are going to do great - and you are going to love your little girl more than you ever imagined. There IS something special about having a daughter!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I'm far away from kids, but I have always wondered how parents have done it in terms of loving and raising two kids. Definitely something to think about!
ReplyDeleteThis weekend the "Snap Judgment" show on public radio was about families. One person said that adding to your family doesn't divide your love, it multiplies it. ;-) Not only do you love each child in their own right, you love how they love each other.
ReplyDeleteI definitely have the fear in the back of my mind for when we decide to go from 1 to 2. Hopefully God grants me WAY more patience to go along with another child :)
ReplyDeleteI know you will be amazing and loving to your children and yourself :) xo
ReplyDeleteTotally natural fears! I can remember thinking there was no way I'd love my second as much as my first, but like you said, you just do. I also remember thinking that it was going to be so hard having two. It's a bit tougher at first b/c you feel so stretched, but before you know it, you're in a routine and in the end, I think two are easier than one. They reach an age where they love to play together (and fight, ahem!) and that actually frees you up a bit. I have no doubt you're going to figure it all out quickly and love every minute of it!
ReplyDeleteLike others have said, those fears are totally natural. But the amazing thing? The capacity of our hearts to expand to this level I never thought possible and there's more than enough love to go around. It's a little tricky at first trying to manage the two because they have such different needs but it works out. For me, I realized that I was much more lenient with the second and didn't stress out over every little thing which is probably a good thing. The one thing that I know my husband struggles with it that he wants to be able to give our youngest the same level of time and attention as J got when he was the only kid. That, I think is impossible because it will never be the exact same circumstance, you know? But I do believe that the 2nd one gets so much more growing up with a sibling around. The sibling love? ohmygosh my heart swells every time I see their love grow.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your fears. I will say that I thought two kids was a piece of cake until my younger one turned about 2 (more fighting/arguing/clashing opinions then). So, I say you have at least 2 years before things get harder. LOL A newborn is seriously a piece of cake though as they are happy to be held and just come along with whatever else you're doing with your older child.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a baby yet. But my husband wants one already. I do love kids and I definitely like to have one on my own but one of my fear is that IF ever I do get fat due to pregnancy I'm afraid I can't get back to my old self again. (slim body)
ReplyDeleteGoing from one to two is definitely a big adjustment. My husband and I felt like we took parenthood in stride with the arrival of our first, but going from a family of three to four really threw us for a loop. We needed to re-adjust our expectations and priorities because we had to balance the needs of a baby AND a toddler. It's not always easy, but I can't even describe how awesome it is to watch my daughters together and to know they will always have each other to lean on. I can also tell you that welcoming my second daughter into the world was just as rewarding and fulfilling as with my first. The comment about your love multiplying is spot on. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life to watch my oldest daughter's reaction when she stepped into the hospital room and saw her baby sister for the first time. Pure magic!
ReplyDeleteThis is a huge fear of mine, my husband has a disability so it is not as easy for me to just say hey gonna go to the gym. BUT if we want it bad enough we will find a way. I think just like one child, when you have another it's just a period of adjusting and figuring out what works for your family.
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest, when we first brought our second home from the hospital, I really struggled with this. For 3 years, I only had one baby to focus on. I felt guilty that I wasn't giving him 100% of my attention and I felt guilty that the baby wasn't getting my undivided attention too. It took a while to find balance. It was a gradual thing and I don't even remember now when things got better because it happened over time. It's still not always easy (the baby is 3 months now), but it's getting better every day.
ReplyDeleteBeing a parent isn't really easy especially when you're a mother for the 2 babies, it is really difficult at first, but you're going to get used to it, you just need your support from your family, friends, husband, and relatives. Through this, you'll be able to cope and deal with the situation easily. I even know a lot of mothers who are in a support group or attending seminars for pregnant women, wherein this is where they vent out their feelings, meditating, and relaxing. I suggest that you try to attend this type of groups or therapy.
ReplyDeleteI completely relate to all the fears you mentioned: they were very real for me just 6 months ago. When we brought Jack home it wasn't nearly as daunting as I feared it was going to be. Yes, having two kids can be a challenge. There were moments when I was nursing Jack and Sophia (who was potty training at the time) would either need to be wiped or would have an accident. But you make it work. We have had the two of them in the same bedroom and I had all kind of fears that it would be a nightmare, but it works. They don't wake each other with their crying...just Mark and I! Ha! The way that I make it work day in and day out is getting my alone time, whether it's getting up in the morning to go for a solo run or asking my husband to say with the kids for four hours on a Saturday morning so I can get out. I have to have that time to "re-set." If I don't I get overwhelmed, angry, desperate. I yell. I have no patience. I think the most helpful thing for me was being honest with my husband, friend and family about what kind of help I needed. I can try to do it all, but it isn't pretty. It's important for me to admit that and to ask for help when I need it.
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